When I was a novice nun
Sister Hoa Nghiem
October 8th, 2020
The Color Socks
I remembered the first time I went with Thay on a Vietnamese retreat to Sweden. It was in 1992, after I becoming a novice nun. There were only 5 people in our delegation, and I was Thay's attendant. My job was to bring meals for Thay three times a day. The retreat was organized in a high school. On the night Thay gave the orientation, people talked a lot, like in a shopping fair. My elder brother kept inviting the bell to keep silence. Suddenly Thay's face was very serious and he said: “Dear friends, if you continue to talk like this, we should organize another retreat, only for talking. There you can talk as much as you want.” The whole hall laughed loudly. “But now in this retreat,” Thay continued, “you should practice noble silence during the dharma talk. If you want to talk, we invite you to leave the hall.” Miraculously, after Thay finished, the hall was completely silent. The retreat was only five days long, and it went really well. Thay's dharma talk was focused on “The Practice of Samatha and Vipassana.” His teachings impressed everybody.
On this trip I had a chance to visit beautiful Stockholm, the capital of Sweden, and also Copenhagen, where I saw The Little Mermaid, a statue based on a fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen. On the way to the Copenhagen, I saw so many beautiful houses, structured liked mushroom houses in Anderson’s fairy tales. I will always remember this beautiful trip.
However, life was impermanent. Soon it was time for us to come back to Plum Village. On the trip, I always followed behind Thay, liked a baby cow following her mother cow. Sometimes he would turn to remind me: “Breathe, my dear!” Any time he reminded me, I would go back to the present moment. My mind was fully away worrying about how to be Thay's attendant. “Breathe, my dear!” saved me later in many difficult situations I encounted.
At the airport, I sat next to him, but my mind was wandering around. Suddenly, Thay looked at me and his finger pointed to my feet. He said: “My child, nuns shouldn't wear color socks.” I looked down at my feet. I was wearing socks with three striped of colors: black, pink and purple. Automatically, I answered: “It was on sale, dear Thay.” It is my habit energy to defend my mistake under Thay's eyes. He was silent.
On the plane, my seat was next to Thay. Before we entered the plane, I thought I will have a chance to sit in first class or at least business class with Thay. But I felt disappointed when we went down to the end of the plane. Our seats were next to the toilet. I saw a little smile on his face when he looked at me. From then on, wherever he went on retreats he always had economy seat. Even though we could buy a first class or business class ticket for him, he didn't want it. “His life is his message.” Yes, Thay's life was simple as was his teaching.
We sat down and remained silent for a while. My mind continued wandering about what I will speak with him about? Thay was very quiet and sat still, and I didn't dare talk. Suddenly, he turned to me and said: “My child, the monks and nuns should not wear bright colors. Our sanghati is not of a primary color. A monastic life is a simple and humble life. A luxury material is not for a monastic.” I answered with a tiny voice: “Yes, dear Thay.”
Having a simple life is not easy. In our society today, we have so much choices for our convenient life. Can we satisfy our desires? The more we satisfy our desires the more we feed our greed, which grows bigger. And if we cannot satisfy our desires, we suffer.
When a monk or a nun takes a vow in front of the Buddha and the Sangha, he or she vows to transcend all their affliction, and help people transcend to the other shore. The shore of emancipation. But if we have too many attachments, too much desire, how can we help people transcend their suffering. The way to emancipation is the way to transform our habit energy, the energy of attachments, desires, and suffering. What Thay taught me with the color socks will be a guidance for my monastic life.
What would you like most?
In the autumn season of the year 1992, that was my second years as a novice nun, my roommates were two younger sisters. Their names were sister Concentration and sister Insight. We wanted to offer a gift to Thay on his birthday. The sisters assigned me to see Thay and ask him what he would like for a gift. I tried to refuse but no one else dared, so finally, I went to see him at a hermitage.
When I arrived, I felt a bit nervous. I worried that he may not want to talk about a gift. Usually, Thay liked to do walking mediation in his garden. I walked behind him and prepared what I was going to say. He stopped in front of a big cypress tree, touched the tree, and with a gentle smile turned to me and said:
“Thay planted this cypress tree fifteen years ago. It is older than you. It grew up very well. You have to imitate it.”
I understood what Thay was saying. He wanted me to practice and grow strong as a tree. I waited until Thay finished talking, then, in a hurry I asked him:
“Dear Thay, the sisters would like to offer you a gift on your birthday. What would you like most?”
The question was sudden for him. He was silent for a moment, then he said:
“Thay doesn't want anything.”
My expectation was that he would want something, so I asked him again:
“But dear Thay, what would you like most?” In my mind, I continued thinking that he must want something. Thay shook his head and said:
“My child, I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want power and I don't want wealth. I really don't want anything.”
It was a surprise for me. I didn't give up my job and asked him once more:
“But Thay. Certainly, you must like something!” Finally, Thay answered:
“Thay only wants that you, my children, love each other.” He looked at me, with very bright eyes and repeated: “If you love Thay, then you will love each other.” I was silent. Inside of me, I felt very moved.
We are a diverse community of monastics. We share everything together, the shelter, the food, and the practices. Even though we come from many different countries, different cultures and different backgrounds, we have learned to love and understand each other, to live in harmony together. And we have to learn how to accept each other in this diverse environment. Sometimes, when I encountered difficult situations, for example when I was angry with one sister, I remembered Thay's teaching. I think: “If I love Thay, I have to practice reconciling with my sister.” Thay also said: “In any difficult situation, if we solve the problem with love and understanding, then everything will pass.”
As a four fold sangha, If we love Thay, we also practice love each other even though you are lay or monastics, we're still love each other and together we strengthen our sangha.